I decided to skip sign language class tonight because I was feelin too tired to go. Last week I got really tired in class and was dozin off on the way home :0(. That gave me some time to meander around Charleston before heading home. I went to a place that has been daydream-provoking for me lately....Lowe's lol.
I justified the trip to Lowe's by telling myself that I need to finish painting Sully's room and to do that I need more paint, plastic liners, smaller brushes. I love buying shit like this. My whole house needs done. I don't think I've done any painting/fixing up since Raven was a baby (and Sully's severity of autism became evident). For whatever reason, home improvements/ changes have always ushered in transition periods in my life. The last two times I've redecorated were just before we started the adoption processes for the kids. Lately I daydream about re-doing my whole house, but I limit myself to one project at a time (or my lil ADHD, obsessive compulsive ass would have a bunch of materials piled up on the porch and absolutely no follow through).
I'm allowed to daydream as much as I want. I walked up and down the aisles with all the lil paint sample blocks...lined up like a colorful army and standing at attention in their lil slots. A place for everything. Order made of the colorful chaos. (My life is colorful chaos). I like warm colors for the kitchen (gingerbread and oatmeal colors...orange) and cool colors for the bedroom (frosty plum), but my favorites are the greens (forest, teel, seafoam...any shade of green). I grabbed some colors to take with me, to have for later.
I walked down the curtain aisle. I like how they billow around me. I feel hidden in this aisle, and I have the liberating thought that nobody is expecting me to be anywhere right now and that NOBODY KNOWS WHERE I AM! I love to sneak off. I love leaving my cell phone off and hiding from the world. (You can't find me! Not in all these curtains!) But I don't fancy any of these curtains so I walk on down the aisle.
At the end of the aisle, I find a section I had always ignored before...the wallpaper books. Books and books of wallpaper swatches! I always assumed I had to settle for what the stores carried. Idk why I never thought of ordering what I want. I started flipping through these wallpaper books. I love the woodsy stuff! There was tan paper with small pinecones, paper that makes the walls look like a log cabin, paper with tiny leaves and bordered with herbs hanging down to dry. These witchy papers that fit my personality instead of me settling for whatever's in the store, easily available, most popular. I feel cheated that I've settled for this status quo shit for too long. I've never been high maintaince, but I'm getting older. Life is too short, and I want what I want. Everything from custom wallpaper,nurturing relationships, ridding myself of those who are a dead weight in my life. I tend to nurture the wrong people. No more wasting my time being there for people who don't give me the time of day when I'm downin.
So anyway when I "came to" in the wallpaper aisle, a lot of time had passed lol. I had kinda lost time. But this quote came to mind. I saw it the other day and can't remember where but it said: "Go ahead and jump. The chasm isn't as wide as you think." Jump. That's what we have to do to make changes in our lives. You have to be the one to jump. No more trying to push someone else (waste of energy), and no more sitting around waiting on things to just get better (waste of time).
Whoa. That was a lot of insight/wisdom revealed to me from that trip to Lowe's. Now I know how my dad can spend hours in there.