Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Stuff swirlin in the air today

Things have been messed up for about a year now. Last summer a(nother) friend committed suicide, and I really haven't been able to get my head right since. I hadn't seen him in years, and he just popped back into my life around 2-2009. He came back into my life forcefully and wanted to talk ALL the time (sometimes 10 times a day). I'm on the road constantly, and I knew he was not feeling well much of the time so we talked as much as he wanted to. He became a huge part of my life. He was in my ear all the time....while I was driving, while I was workin in my herb garden, while I was walkin on the blvd. He was a constant presence. He was ill and had addictions. I tried to help him. I did what I could. I loved him. He blew his brains out anyway.

I never understood codependency before all this exhausting dealing with an addict can be. It wiped me out physically, emotionally, spiritually. I think I hit the verge of a breakdown after he died (I never fully understood how mental breakdowns happen either, but now I have a fairly good idea). I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and my body started having issues. I had to go to about three doctors and get everything checked out. The last doctor I had to see was my ob/gyn....(periods had stopped due to stress/lack of eating/history of eating disorders makes this happen frequently). Sooo the advice that doctor gave me was to: "Just go home and relax. Take all the advice grandmother used to give you: a warm bath, warm milk, maybe some herbs near your pillow." She was using the term "grandmother" generally. I was sitting there thinkin about my schizophrenic grandmother who at one point insisted that we were all witches who could live on cigarette smoke, Oreos, and water. That's the advice MY grandmother gave me LOL.

This spring has been so hard. This is the time of the year he came back. All of this change-of-season stuff that is starting again is taking me back to last spring. Today was hard too. Last St. Patrick's day, I went out to party. He had been gone for like 10 days, and I hadn't heard from him. After the St. Pat's party, I came home and had an email from him. It was innocent stuff...just telling me that he was back and that he hated flying because he felt dirty being crammed in with all those other people. I didn't save a single email.

I got frustrated with him over the addiction. I had to cut him off. He was sapping too much of my time/energy. I didn't return his calls for about a month. Then one day he called and for whatever reason, I returned the call. He was surprised to hear from me. We had a really good 3-hour conversation. Around midnight I told him I needed to go, and he said he'd call me the next day. I never heard from him again, and I never attempted to call. He shot himself about a month later.

All this shit has just been swirlin around in the air today.

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